The Beach

The beach used to be a place you could escape from everything – where you can wear anything you like, be who you really are and no one will care. Nowadays, that’s just not the case anymore.

Summer is the time when finding parking in Manila’s usually full clubs and bars is a little easier. Why? Well, it’s the time of the year when the city’s beautiful people and bonafide partyfiles trade concrete for sand – it’s one big soiree! So, if you’re one of those who will make this annual pilgrimage to Boracay, Bohol or Palawan you wouldn’t want to be caught dead looking like a castaway. Following then are some things you may want to consider to be a beach DUDE instead of a beach dud.

1. PREPARE YOUR BODY

In this age of abs worship and healthy living, guys need to prepare for the beach the way women lose weight for their wedding. This is your chance to show people the results of those long and hard hours at the gym. Consider that you will be half-naked for a good 70% of the time. No one wears t-shirts while swimming anymore; okay, maybe I know two…

Preparing your body is not about getting 6-pack abs or being runway model fit; though, that wouldn’t hurt. It’s just about looking overall healthy. Those love handles that most of us have are okay. You know you’ve got a bit more work to do if people mistake you for the Michelin Man.

It would also save you the stares if you would shave, trim or wax off lush body hair growing on your chest, back and treasure trail. I hate to be the one to break the news to some of you, but the Austin Powers look is not mojoreffic, baby.

2. WEAR THE RIGHT SWIMWEAR

Let’s get this out of the way… no matter how much of a swimmer’s body you have (or even if you’re a real swimmer) skimpy Speedos™ have no place in the beach.

Ask yourself, would you walk around in public in your briefs?

Okay, so you’re being smart and you ask back, well, how come it’s okay for women to wear a two-piece bikini? And the answer -- it’s because they look hot in them, duh! A short survey also showed that men want to see women in skimpy bikinis, while majority of women don’t even want to or are even embarrassed to look at men wearing Speedos™. So if the girls ain’t looking, who’s checking you out (wink)?

All’s not lost though for this water-proof brief… we’ll get to that in a minute.

So what to wear in the beach? Stick to the trusty board shorts; now made more contemporary with a slimmer cut and comes in 4” or 8” length. If you’re vertically challenged, favor the 4” length shorts if you don’t want to look like you’re wearing cut-offs.

One of the hippest, but sadly not locally available, swim wear brands right now is Parke & Ronen. Check out their website (http://www.parkeandronen.com/) to get an idea of the different board shorts styles that suit you and just get the closest local equivalent.


3. HIDE THE BULGE

Very few, and we’re talking 1 out of the 35 guys I asked, go commando (i.e. wear no form or type of underwear) under their board shorts. And, the main reason, to “keep from flopping around” and letting other people know just exactly what size you are; don’t forget the water can get cold.

By now, you should have figured out that when you get out of the water, your shorts will cling on you like Glad Wrap™. So, if you’re not wearing anything under, you might as well not be wearing anything at all.

This is where Speedos™ actually come in handy. Instead of wearing ordinary briefs, which are not tight enough and can also fall off, using Speedos™ as your swim underwear not only keeps your manhood from prying eyes, they also give your crown jewels better protection against jellyfish or other curious sea creatures looking for new habitat.
The beach is the human species’ watering hole, where all gather to congregate and cool off from the scorching sun. And, much like what happens with our animal counterparts, this seasonal gathering also becomes the venue for displaying our natural attributes that allow us to attract and/or keep our mate. So as you pack your bag for your white sand getaway make sure you, well, “BRING IT”.

Speedo Limit

Q: “I’ve noticed that more dudes are wearing Speedos in Boracay. Are board shorts out? ”
- John, Pasay City

A: Okay, so Daniel Craig in Casino Royale made the ladies drool in that skimpy number. But, reality check people… not everyone has killer abs or a swimmer’s build. Seriously, I don’t get why some guys think that wearing a man-bikini is a chick magnet. On the contrary, unless you’re reeking with mojo like Mr. Bond, a skimpy Speedo can cause more damage to your manhood than it can enhance it.

If you want to show off the body you worked so hard in the gym for, remember that you’re upper body is just as exposed when you wear board shorts. Unless your objective is to show off your thighs, then by all means, wear your water-proof briefs.